The things your mother (or anyone for that matter) never told you about AU

Before coming to Australia we were prepped with foregin or easily picked-up languistic expression like:
• eske for cooler
• rubber for eraser
• making for art
• a doona for a duvet
• gridiron for American football
• a skip is a dumpster
• star jumps for jumping jacks
• a shack is really a rather nice vacation home
• bikkies for cookies
 
. . . but did anyone warn us that an American fanny pack or a fanny is not an ok term. . . no. And so here begins the problem.

The warnings that I did hear included all the killer animals, none of which I have ever seen:

• be sure to  check your shoes each morning for spiders

•  Petrol, on a lucky day, is $2.50 a liter, or $10.00 a gallon.

ok, saw this, but searched it out

• a spectacular predator: the southern blue-lined octopus (Hapalochlaena fasciata), which is a kind of blue-ringed octopus. This mollusc has one of the most toxic venoms on the planet and bites cause paralysis within minutes

• The inland taipan is the deadliest snake- one bite contains enough venom to kill several humans.

• funnel-web (Atrax robustus) is one of the world’s most dangerous spiders. Its toxic venom evolved as a defensive tool against predators, rather than for attack. Unfortunately, humans are especially sensitive.

• The box jellyfish have tentacles that are generally invisible, can entangle you and have millions of harpoons that inject a lot of venom at once. The box jellyfish can kill in minutes.

• typhoons, cyclones, fires, droughts, crocodiles, paralyzing ticks, shark attacks, the strength of the sun, the reef stonefish, the the bull ants, the electric ants, the bullet ants. . . (ok I saw some damn big ants)

But then there were other dangers and misconceptions I had to learn about the hard way:

This is a land of surprises and contradictions, some subtle, some glaring, in which I am often reminded "When you think of what is true in Australia, the opposite is also true."


•  Really Australia and Austria aren't the same place (I started out ahead of the game as I have always known that).

•  Ok, so I was warned about driving on the left side of the street, but no one lets you know that there is a trick to getting a Holden into reverse and it had to be figured out when stranded in the  middle of a u-turn or that the windshield wipers and turn indicator will be on opposite sides.

•  Enormous magpies are known to leave gaping head wounds so cyclists wear helmets with about 19 knitting needle-looking protrusions to deter them from dive-bombing.

•  The brown snake really looks quite harmless. When cycling and they are on the road dead or alive notice needs to be taken.

•  And then there is Alice Springs, I think the capital city for the largest population of bedbugs. Most of them probably live at the Desert Rose Hotel. I will, without a doubt, be vigilant in the future, and I am asking that anyone needing advice about AU travel take this more seriously than shark attacks.

•  The ocean in the south is NOT bathtub warm. Bring a wetsuit.

•  Curb your appetite. Cigarettes (thankfully) are about $35.00 a pack (with an increase for next year of 14%) and (unfortunatelly) basic beer starts at 20.00 a six pack. But wine, on the other hand. . .

•  Don't be tempted to eat your chocolate crossant in the middle of the night in the dark if you leave it on the counter. Tiny black ants will cover anything left out. When a giant bite is taken from the danish in the dark, the ants will anestize your mouth for many hours.

 •  In the winter months there is an indoor migration of centipedes. I collect them by the handful.

•  Switchbacks don't really exist. Want to hike up a hill?  ↑Head up↑

 •  The koala screams will wake you from a sound sleep most every night. Possums party on the roof.

•  Try to forget everything that you know about seasons- Christmas in summer and Spring flowers in November is hard to wrap your mind around.

•  It is not wise to leave for a bike ride without rainclothes.

 •  Pastry shops are on every corner ensuring that none of your clothes will fit when returning home.

•  You may have been within the luggage weight limit on the plane, but don't even consider getting on a train with all of your luggage.

•   If you ask someone what they would like  for a birthday and they suggest stationary gifts, it does not mean that you must buy note cards. Stationary is all office supplies.

 •  When driving, watch for objects on the right: electric poles, small camouflaged cars, warning brightly colored poles that are there so that you don't run into something else. I made contact with them all. And make sure you find great neighbours with buffers!

•  Most months you will be needing a jacket. Seattle averages about 38 inches of rainfall a year. This year Stirling had quite a bit more than 30 inches. So if you happened to lose your rain jacket before coming to AZ, buy a new one before getting on your 17 hour flight. Then when going home leave room for a 6 lb Driza-bone (duster). Auzzies really go all-out when buying farwell presents.

•  Even if Australia appears safe as safe can be, you will need to securely lock your bike at the locked-up school overnight. Hence purchasing two bikes.

•Don't try the hospital's ER unless it is really an emergency.

•  When given tips to use double sided sticky tape to contain bedbugs, don't listen. DesolveIt is $16.00 a bottle and doesn't work all that great.

•  Watch out for big rubber ducks.

• Don't be asking for a Fosters at the pub. You won't be making any great friends. Coopers is the beer of SA, but really there is no need to drink beer when there are more than than 400 cellar doors and 700 wines produced in South Australia.

•  To the disappointment of many, everyone in AU does not carry a Dundee knife and live the rugged life.

•  Skip Thanksgiving. The cost of a turkey may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

•  Make certain that you have the direction of the rubbish bins correct, and bring them up the drive to avoid fines.

•  Kangaroos are not overly loved- they are actually considered varmits by many. There are more kangaroos than people in Australia. Camels too. There are a million wild camels in the Northern Territory.

•  Be vigilant in the placement of a parking ticket on the dash. I paid $45.00 for an askew ticket.
Never go over the speed limit. Do not go through a yellow light. The price of a ticket for a driving infraction is $465. I did not like putting that cheque in the mail.

•  Accept the presence of McDonalds, Wendys, Hungry Jacks (Burger Kings) K-Mart, Big W (Walmart) and Safeway disguised at Woolworths.

•  Make sure your loyalties are to the city in which you live.

•  Paracedomal may not be your med of choice. Having your supervisor take you home with throw-up everywhere is embarrassing.

•  Learn tricky new coffee vocabulary: long black, flat white or a latte. .  and how are they different anyway?

•  Don't expect to see all wildlife that you are watching for. No cassarwarys, or wild Tassie Devils found from Queensland to Tasmania. The absence of the Drop Bear has been a disappointment. - I am still looking! (Hah)

•  Never ever ever book a "live aboard" or even a day trip in the rough waters of the Great Barrier Reef if you get seasick.

•  Be aware that your friends will feel disgust if you have refused to own a mobile phone.

•  It is true the wine is chilled in the staff room fridges and wine drinking celebrations are held during teachers' meetings.

•  Don't even think about making insulting comments about a meat pie.

•  Be prepared for the workings (or not) of a dongle, and I'd like to know who came up with that title.

•  You will encounter double or even triple round-abouts.

•  Watch for cryptic signs like "No Creepers", "Workers will enter your yard looking for electric ants", "Total Fire Ban: Relocate" and totally blunt signs like, "Sleepy Drivers Die."

•  The GPS may decide to take you in the the most remote route possible. It depends on her mood.

•  The dead mutton birds may again expire from exhaustion  littering Vivon Bay claimed to be the most beautiful  in the world. Be ready for anything.

•  Surprising feeling of  drunkenness can be acquired by just visiting a few wineries. Watch for the vineyard end of lane posts.

•  Watch for falling rocks.

•  If you have a need for canned pumpkin be prepared to pay $8.90 for a small tin or use a real pumpkin. You will be thought of as crazy for doing otherwise.

•  Why didn't anyone tell me that "Men at Work" didn't write the National Anthem.

• Graham crackers cannot be found in Australia.

•  Tassie is always wet and cold.

•  Just get used to everything being abbre. like sus (suspect) Salvos (Salvation Army)
Chop off the last half of a word and replace it with “a" Cuppa = cup of tea or coffee
  “er" Sanger = sandwich (yup – I had trouble making the leap from sandwich to sanger the first time myself)     “ie” or “y”Bikkie = biscuit/cracker/cookie (yes, all three)   “o”Arvo = afternoon (I’m not sure where the “r” came from) Avo = avocado

•  Once you have taken your shoes to The Red Center you will never want to wear them again.

One thing that you can be sure of is a warm welcome. There are few countries in the world that make an American feel more at home.

. . . and who really gives a sh** if the water goes down the toilets the opposite way.  PS for those that do care, the water does not swirl as it goes down the drain. It goes straight down because of the low water pressure and the way the toilets are constructed.